Respectful and reciprocal emotional intimacy doesn’t have to be scary; it can be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life. Being able to share your feelings with someone and being heard by them is a sign that your relationship is moving forward, not backward. 

An intimate relationship means feeling comfortable around another person to express fear, anger, jealousy, resentment, and vulnerability. But for some people, these things feel too risky or even frightening. If you’re interested in having an emotionally intimate relationship but feel like it just isn’t in the cards for you at this moment (or ever), read on to understand why that might be and what you can do about it

What is emotional intimacy?

Emotional, according to Collins Dictionary (n.d) means concerned with emotions and feelings. While intimacy (Collins Dictionary, n.d) between two people means a very close personal relationship between them.  According to the 1986 Webster’s New World Dictionary (GAIA, 2002),  the word intimacy comes from the Latin intimus, which means “pertaining to the inmost essence of a thing; fundamental; essential; most private or personal.” Looking at these definitions, emotional intimacy can mean a very close personal relationship between two people that are concerned with their emotions and feelings.

In his study on emotional intimacy, Lewis (1978), describes emotional intimacy in behavioral terms as mutual self-disclosure and other types of verbal sharing, affirmations of liking and loving the other, and displays of affection such as hugging and non-sexual touching. Emotional intimacy has been identified as a significant contributor to psychological and physical well-being since it can create a sense of purpose and belonging (Ornish, 1998; Sinclair & Dowdy, 2005). 

From these interpretations of emotional intimacy, one can conclude that emotional intimacy is a feeling of connection with another person based on trust, acceptance, and a certain level of vulnerability. This can include sharing feelings about each other, hopes, dreams, fears, and other personal topics. It can also involve discussing intimate topics such as your childhood, family relationships, and past experiences, especially if they’ve influenced your current views and relationships. Emotional intimacy can be an essential part of a romantic relationship, but it can also be a part of friendships and other significant relationships. It’s not always easy to achieve, especially if you’re afraid of getting too close to someone.

Why people are afraid of getting too close

It’s normal to be a little nervous when you first start getting to know someone but feeling reluctant to get too close to someone is a sign that you may be afraid of emotional intimacy.  Fear of emotional intimacy, often known as intimacy avoidance, is defined as a fear of sharing an intimate emotional or physical relationship with another person (Fritscher, 2021). People with this fear may crave connection and don’t usually seek to avoid connection. However, they frequently push others away or even sabotage relationships.

According to Firestone and Catlett (1999; Vangelisti & Beck, 2007), the fear of intimacy is based on early-life negative views toward oneself and others. These unfavorable attitudes are ingrained in people’s identities, are tough to change, and impact their intimate relationships. This might be a result of a bad experience in the past, but it could also be a product of bad advice. 

When you’re young, you might not have the ability to think critically about the examples you see around you. If you grow up in a household where no one talks about feelings, it can become difficult to understand the importance of emotional intimacy in a relationship. When you grow up thinking getting close to someone is a bad thing, that’s what you’re going to do. It’s not until you’re an adult that you can decide to make a change.

The problem with being afraid of emotional intimacy

The problem with being afraid of emotional intimacy is that you’re putting distance between yourself and your partner. This isn’t likely to last long-term. Getting close to someone is difficult if you’re holding back and reluctant to let them in. You’ll likely sabotage the relationship before it even has a chance to get off the ground. 

Being afraid of emotional intimacy can cause issues in any type of relationship, whether it’s a romantic partnership, a friendship, or a family relationship. If you’re afraid of emotional intimacy, you might hold back from talking about your feelings. When you don’t talk about feelings, they don’t go away. Instead, they sit inside you, waiting for you to acknowledge them. This can cause resentment, anger, and anxiety. When these feelings sit inside you for long periods, they can cause you mental and emotional harm.

3 Steps to overcome your fear of intimacy

If you’re interested in having an emotionally intimate relationship but feel like it just isn’t in the cards for you at this moment (or ever), or that you want to improve your chances of having an emotionally intimate relationship, you need to take the first step toward making that happen. Here are some steps you can take to overcome your fear of emotional intimacy: 

Be honest with yourself

There is a range when it comes to a person’s ability to develop close relationships; some have very mild traits, while others are completely unable to do so. If you don’t understand why you’re afraid of emotional intimacy, you can’t do anything to overcome that fear. The first thing you should do is figure out why you’re afraid of emotional intimacy. 

Accept your fear

You can’t do anything to overcome your fear if you’re constantly telling yourself that you shouldn’t be feeling what you’re feeling. Instead, you need to accept that you’re afraid of emotional intimacy and struggle with it. Try to acknowledge that there are no assurances in life or relationships; ultimately, being connected to another person has its risks. Despite this, maintaining social connections is a fundamental human need.

Be vulnerable and talk about your fears

Avoidance is intimacy’s worst enemy, so don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and show it. In addition to having detrimental effects on your mental health, avoiding or suppressing your “negative” emotions also presents a missed opportunity to develop emotional intimacy. Find people you trust, like your partner, your friends, and your family, and talk to them about your challenges and why you occasionally get distant by talking to them often. Discuss what you’re afraid of. Make sure there is two-way communication. Make a point of communicating your worries and insecurities. 

In conclusion

Emotional intimacy can be an important part of a romantic relationship, but it can also be a part of friendships and other significant relationships. It’s not always easy to achieve, especially if you’re afraid of getting too close to someone. If you want to improve your chances of having an emotionally intimate relationship, you need to take the first step toward making that happen. The first thing you should do is figure out why you’re afraid of emotional intimacy. Once you understand your fear, you can work on overcoming it. There’s no easy way to overcome your fear of emotional intimacy, but there are ways to do it. You’ll have to be honest with yourself, accept that you’re afraid, and talk about your fears with others.

For more content on emotional intimacy, visit the Relationships Science Labs. Using the research of the Institute for Life Management Science, the lab produces courses, certifications, videos, podcasts, and other learning materials. Check out the Relationship Science Labs today.

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