Different types of families will have different sorts of problems. A cohabiting family will have a different set of problems from a legally married family, and single-parent households have distinct needs compared to blended families. 

There are, however, life events that many families share, and we can look at how different family finance planning is needed throughout life. Below are some of the milestones that may mark a family member’s need for financial planning.

Marriage

For those who opt for it, getting married is a major turning point in life. Many aspects must be considered when taking this large step, and finance is no exception. From the initial discussions of weddings down to the early days as newlyweds, couples must work together to ensure a smooth transition to married life, avoid finance-related turbulence, and lay the foundation for how to work on financial issues together as a family.

Many marital problems stem from financial issues. Marriages are tested or even dissolved due to the inevitable, challenging nature of money-related stress. While it is near impossible to avoid, couples can work to face these problems together and mitigate potential lead-ins. Preventive action can be taken as early as before any plans of marriage proposals are on the table through clear communication between partners regarding their finances. Below are some related actions the couples can follow:   

Signing a prenup

Among topics that should surface are debts, financial habits, properties, and plans. One’s attitude towards money should be put into consideration when proposing marriage. Do talk to future spouses regarding prenuptial agreements or prenups, whether you’d like one or opt not to. A prenup can protect your assets, funds, and potential inheritance, as well as your partner’s.

Agreeing on a shared account

A married couple’s finances can take many forms. Couples can choose to keep their finances completely separate with agreements on who takes care of which spendings, meet halfway with both a joint spending account in addition to personal accounts, or go all in and merge all incoming and outgoing finances in a single shared account. This decision is the couple’s to make and must be the fruit of a thorough, fair discussion that both parties wholeheartedly agree to. 

Setting financial goals

Another arrangement that couples should consider is the amount of money allocated to different expenses such as bills, mortgage or rent, personal spending, or savings. To have stable finances, couples can lay down detailed goals for different needs and plans. These goals can be short-term (e.g. household expenses), medium-term (e.g. having children), or long-term (e.g. retirement). 

Preparing for children

The joy of having children is often accompanied by financial stress as families prepare to take care of a new family member. Expectant parents are met with expenses ranging from pregnancy, childbirth, adoption funds, baby or child stuff, and even services such as surrogacy, nannies, and insurance. 

While it may seem daunting to prepare for children financially, a well-planned budget can help prevent money troubles from taking away the excitement of welcoming a new bundle of joy to the family.

Pregnancy

Financial planning can start from the very first month of gestation for families going through a pregnancy. The first trimester is laden with cleaning up debts, credits, and insurance plans, as well as laying down the groundwork for baby funds. The second trimester is associated with preparing for parental leave, childcare arrangements, nurseries, and more. In addition to medical and childbirth costs, the third semester is time to shop for the baby’s needs, such as clothes and toys. Plan such expenses well and consider potential financial aid from relatives or friends in gifts, hand-me-downs, or even money.

Sending children to school

One important part of raising a child is putting them through school. Planning for education is not as simple as starting a new savings account and putting a certain amount of money into it every month. It requires attention to the child’s needs and interests, understanding the family’s financial capabilities to fund education, and setting a standard for education.

Getting an insurance plan

While parents might think they’re in the clear once the child is safely brought home, the costs of raising a child begin to expand as they get older. One of the initial steps to take is to add children to the family health insurance plan. Parents should set up emergency funds in anticipation of unforeseen circumstances and increased expenses. The hectic, sleepless days of early parenthood will benefit from well-thought-out finances.

Preparing for the elderly life

Preparing for retirement should be done as early as possible. Understanding sources of income and savings that will last well into retirement age is essential to ensure a hassle-free financial situation in later life. In addition to pensions, government aid, and retirement savings, investments made earlier in life can help stabilize finances in old age and be passed down to the next generation.

Making wills and settling mortgages, debts, and estates are among the most important financial decisions an individual will make late in their lives. With old age also comes additional needs, such as potential medical and care expenses. The help of trusted family members or finance experts can help older individuals manage their finances and avoid any issues that may occur.

Unforeseen life events

In addition to life milestones previously mentioned, family stresses such as divorce and separation, illness, and sudden deaths among others can cause an unforeseen financial crisis the family may not be ready for. This is where emergency savings, insurance plans, and frugality comes in. Such situations will show how families can reap the fruit of previous financial decisions and planning. At one point or another, financial emergencies will occur in every family. Wise and fair financial decisions are the key to dealing with these unpredictable life events.

In conclusion

Money can be a taboo subject to talk about with family. However, one will find that communication and socialization are keys to stable family finances and avoiding finance-related stress. While talking issues out with family members can be a way out of many problems, experts and professionals such as therapists, accountants, and financial advisors can lend a helping hand when money becomes a thorn in the family relationship. To conclude, like many other aspects of family life, openness, care, honesty, and an orientation toward the future are of the essence when it comes to family finances.

If you would like to know more about family finance, visit the the Family Science Labs. Using the research of the Institute for Life Management Science, the lab produces courses, certifications, podcasts, videos, and other learning materials. Check out the Family Science Labs today.

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However, it is rarely wise to have too much of a good thing, and such is the case with the closeness between family members. The effort in achieving close family ties is often misunderstood which ends up in strained relationships that cultivate blurred personal boundaries, over-dependence on one another, and isolation from social interactions outside of the family. The cultivation of the previous characteristics is the point where the family is no longer cohesive but rather tangled in enmeshment.   

What is enmeshment?

The American Psychological Association defines enmeshment as “a condition in which two or more people, typically family members, are involved in each other’s activities and personal relationships to an excessive degree, thus limiting or precluding healthy interaction and compromising individual autonomy and identity.” 

In enmeshed families, family members are detached from their personal desires, goals, opinions, and sometimes even their basic physical and emotional needs. Instead, they shift all their attention to the family, ensuring that everything they do or plan to do is aligned with the interest of the family.

At a glance, one might see these types of tightly-bonded families as inherently positive. After all, it is expected to strive for closeness with one’s family and have them be an integral part of one’s life. But when it crosses the line towards enmeshment, the non-existent boundaries between family members lead to a chaotic distribution of roles and expectations. Issues such as parentification, or children taking over the parents’ functions and duties, and codependency, or the complete reliance of a person towards another to fulfill their emotional needs, are common manifestations of enmeshment in a family. 

Apart from its negative effect on each family member’s role, enmeshment can also foster trauma in individuals. Adults who grew up in enmeshed families may continue revolving their lives around the choices and favor of their parents rather than branching out to the world as their own person. They may have difficulties starting or maintaining relationships or falling into toxic relationship patterns. They also tend to blindly obey authority figures which may be an issue in conflict resolution. Individuals who have yet to discover themselves outside of their families would also have their concept of self-esteem and self-identity negatively affected. 

Differentiating Cohesive and Enmeshed Families

It is not easy for individuals to have a concrete judgment of their family’s degree of healthy cohesiveness and where it crosses the line to enmeshment. Thus, before delving further into the practical ways you can keep your family bonds healthy and away from enmeshment, you must first understand what makes cohesive and enmeshed families distinct.

Boundaries and individuality

The line between cohesion and enmeshment is drawn in the presence of adequate boundaries and the celebration of growth for all family members. While there is an elimination of privacy and lack of individual identity in members of an enmeshed family, cohesive family members encourage respecting each others’ physical and emotional boundaries for them to individually develop their identity outside the family without compromising family closeness.

Having a “deep bond”

Having a deep bond has very distinct meanings in the contexts of cohesion and enmeshment. While cohesive families have a deep bond with one another without jeopardizing their external relationships, enmeshed families demand that their members prioritize their familial relationships only,  expecting that all satisfaction is derived from family relationships.

Interdependence vs. codependency

Codependency between family members is a characteristic of enmeshed families wherein one party serves to fulfill the emotional needs of another party at the expense of their own. There is an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the feelings of the other person or the family as a whole. This sense of responsibility constrains the family members into acting only in the interest of the family or specific controlling figures within the family. 

This might be confusing as cohesion is marked by a high emphasis on interdependence, meaning that sharing one’s burdens and emotions with the other party within a relationship drives the relationship closer. However, emotional interdependence is the act of being vulnerable to a person one is bonded and healthily relying on one another. 

Keeping Families From Being Enmeshed

There is no denying the fact that it is difficult to change the ways of an enmeshed family. The unhealthy patterns are often so deep-rooted within the family system that, more often than not, individuals do not realize that they are in an enmeshed family in the first place due to enmeshed values being so normalized and all they know. But that is not to say that it is impossible for an enmeshed family to change their ways or to prevent them from happening. Below are tips on what can be done to prevent and keep families from enmeshment. 

Strengthen autonomy in all family members

A family is a unit consisting of distinct individuals who need a sense of independence and authenticity. Cultivating a secure sense of autonomy in all family members is one way to break the cycle of enmeshment. Helping family members reach their potential, understanding their points of view, opinions, and beliefs while encouraging healthy self-disclosure and providing a support system for the needs and ambitions of all family members prevents enmeshment from reappearing.  

Strengthening autonomy can be done by enforcing clear, rational, and consistent expectations regarding what family members can and cannot do. Allow family members to operate within said expectations freely and continuously adjust expectations as family members grow and change as individuals, as well as minimize control.   

Another way to do so is by constantly involving family members in conversations and discussions regarding individual and family matters, promoting transparency and opportunities to practice autonomous thinking. Finally, it is crucial that family members, especially younger ones, are encouraged to start independently problem-solving, so that they may develop healthy coping mechanisms when they fail and are able to generate solutions to problems, which will help them become more independent as they grow. 

Maintain meaningful relationships with individuals outside of the family

Having healthy relationships outside the family is pivotal in encouraging the development of family members, as it provides a space where they do not feel trapped or helpless in an enmeshed family. Individuals with enmeshed families need other people to rely on, be it as a confidante or someone to provide shelter when required. 

Start with yourself

 More often than not, it is up to one’s own self to challenge enmeshed values deeply embedded within one’s family. To challenge these values means to unlearn habits that perpetuate enmeshment, set and maintain clear boundaries, delve deep into who you are as a person to maintain authenticity, and rely on internal control and external support. 

In conclusion

As an individual’s first microsystem and environment to grow and develop, it is important for families to foster individuality and autonomy in all its members while remaining closely tied in a healthy manner. When bonds get too close for one’s own good, family members need to be active in introspection of their family dynamics to avoid becoming enmeshed. 

If you would like to read more resources on family functioning, head on over to the Family Science Labs. Using the research of the Institute for Life Management Science, the lab produces courses, certifications, and other learning materials aimed at improving family dynamics. Visit the Family Science Labs today. 

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