Beyond ‘Because I Said So’: Raising Moral Children Without the Power Struggles

The phrase “Because I said so” is an age-old phrase familiar to almost everyone, from yourself as parents, and sometimes could be traced back to your grandparents. The phrase rolled off the tongue so easily without realizing it, especially when you felt frustrated against your children’s repeated question of whys.

And usually, that silences your child immediately. That ends the discussion and the endless questions of why. But what do your children feel in this situation? Do they understand that you were trying to teach them something? Or do they understand the value that you are trying to teach them?

An interesting take on this question is answered in the research titled “Parenting Styles, Internalization of Values and Self-Esteem: A Cross-Cultural Study in Spain, Portugal and Brazil,” published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health on the interconnectedness of parenting styles and adolescent internalization of values. The researchers concluded that children raised by parents who provide more parental warmth tend to internalize values better.

So, to build your children’s character, you need to do more than discipline. Raising moral children is challenging, and parents need a balance between warmth and discipline for their children. Find out how to balance discipline and warmth in your parenting without resorting to ‘Because I Said So’s.

Understanding moral development in children

“Billy, stop pulling your sister’s hair!”

“But, mom!”

“Stop that right now, no buts!”

“Why?, she -”

“Why? Because I said so!”

You might wonder why your children couldn’t understand that they did something obviously wrong, and in the moment of your frustration, you yell at them. You expect them to understand that their behavior makes you upset, but you forget one thing — children also need to know why their behavior is wrong.

Children need to learn why their behavior is wrong and why it could hurt others. Moral parenting is more than disciplining and stopping children’s behavior; it’s about helping them develop moral sense. Children have the potential to tell right from wrong since birth, but they need your help to nurture it.

Generally, researchers in the developmental field are divided into two approaches to how children develop morality. These two approaches are the following:

Innatism

The innatism approach asserts that children’s sense of morality is already present since birth and develops independently as they age. This conclusion arises from experiments that found infants as young as six months old showed a preference for puppets that showed helping behavior over puppets that showed hindering behaviors.

The experiment implies that very young children are capable of evaluating individuals based on said individuals’ behaviors towards others, and there’s a possibility that this capability served as the infant’s moral thought and understanding.

Socio-constructivism

Socio-constructivism views children’s moral development as a process of learning; it identifies and distinguishes between right and wrong based on their evaluation and interpretation of general norms and values around them. This conclusion arises from research that concluded that positive parenting behavior, whether maternal and/or paternal, predicts children’s prosocial behavior toward others.

Positive parenting behaviors are characterized by more parental warmth, positive control, and less harsh behavior with children. The research indicates that parental behaviors also affect children’s moral development.

Recent literature on children’s moral development

Recent literature on moral development in children concluded that while moral sense may be innate, it is developed and strengthened through the socialization process with the children’s environment, such as family, peers, and even community. Children are already equipped with moral senses at birth, but the process develops through social relationships.

Parents, in particular, played an early role as socialization agents for transmitting cultural and personal values. In turn, children internalized said values by modeling their parents’ behavior toward others. Parents who express positive qualities such as warmth and involvement foster children’s emotional regulation and sensitivity toward others.

Raising moral children is never an easy task. You probably received a lot of advice over the years on how to raise your children to be caring and empathetic people. Before taking any advice, find out if it was right or if it was a misconception.

Common misconceptions about moral development in children

Raising moral children is a goal shared by many parents, yet the journey is often clouded by various advice from everyone around you. All mean well, but there could be some misconceptions along the way; below are some of the most common misconceptions about raising moral children.

Morality is innate rather than learned

Morality is neither purely innate nor just a learned behavior. Children as young as infants are capable of moral behavior, and parents play a pivotal role in shaping children’s moral development trajectories. Because morality is developed by children throughout their lives, parents have an important role as socialization agents in promoting the right form of moral behavior for their children.

Educating children must be authoritarian

One of the misconceptions is that in educating children to behave well for others, parents need to be more assertive in helping children to better internalize the cultural values around them. One of the ways to do that is to spank your children for them to learn about the consequences of their behavior.

However, this is not true; research has found that spanking leads to undesirable outcomes for children, such as lower moral internalization, lower cognitive ability, and lower self-esteem. Some form of discipline is needed for children to understand and internalize moral values, but with consistency and reason why their behavior is wrong.

For example, “Because I said so” is the epitome of authoritarian parenting — where parents hold all the power to control and evaluate their children’s behaviors based on their standards. This is the message you send to your children: their opinions and thoughts about some things that don’t matter as much as yours. When instead, parents are supposed to help children understand the reason for said values or norms and let children internalize them on their own through inductive reasoning.

Inductive reasoning involves an open dialogue between parents and children, where parents highlight to children the potential consequences of their behavior toward themselves or even others. Inductive reasoning also involves helping your children reflect on their actions and why their behavior could be inappropriate. This kind of discipline is found to predict further children’s social competence.

Children’s peers influenced their morals more than parents

When your children are older, you might realize they spend a lot of time around their peers. Naturally, your children could mimic their peers’ behavior, but did you know that your role as parents could buffer any bad influences on your children?

Research showed that despite the heavy influence of peer factors on adolescent moral development, the family still has a very important influence, especially when supported by a closer family bond and open communication.

Because family, especially parents, are the first socialization agents in children’s lives, your way of disciplining your children will always influence their moral development, no matter how old they are. Whenever your children make a mistake, try implementing strategies that nurture them instead of cornering them.

Strategies for friction-free moral development

Expressing your frustration with your children could be tricky, especially in a stressful environment such as repeated questions, crowded areas, etc. But yelling is only a temporary fix. Instead, you can choose to build a more conducive room for discussion with your child.

Instead of yelling and threatening your child with disciplinary actions, you can try the steps below.

Creating an open communication environment

Open communication is essential for your children to develop their moral reasoning. You can try so by building an environment where discussing said specific topics is welcome, without belittlement or scolding. Here are a few tips to do so:

Establish trust between you and your children. Ensure your children can come to you about any issues they’re facing. When your children trust you, they are more willing to be open-minded to your perspective and open to reflecting on your advice.
Encourage active listening. Listen to your children’s perspective on their behavior, whether it was reason or their feelings. Listen to it until they’re done to get the full picture of what happened. Your children would also feel heard and be more open to hearing others’ opinions.
Do it yourself. Children always model who they are around them, so you can also start by modeling open communication starting at home. When you feel frustrated, try to keep a calm mind and talk about it openly. Talk about what’s bothering you and what you would like to be done instead.

Teaching through guidance, not authority

Other than verbal yelling, parents sometimes used ‘time outs’ for misbehaving children. This is also proven to be ineffective since most children don’t understand why they are put in ‘time out’ situations in the first place.

Therefore, the right method is for you to guide your children in reflecting on their actions. You can also help by telling your children about your perspective so that they can understand how their behavior affects you and/or others. Children who understand the rationale behind your rules tend to internalize it better.

You can try these methods to get your point across:

Keep a calm mind. Don’t let your anger cloud your judgment, and act out love for your children instead of anger.
Try not to scold your child in public. Adding the pain of humiliation to your child’s punishment will never result in anything good.
Avoid yelling at your children. Don’t resort to physical punishment to get your point across. Try to tell your children why their behavior is wrong with a calm emotion rather than a frustrated one. This is one way of positive discipline.

Encouraging empathy and perspective-taking

Encouraging children to take perspective further enhances their ability to apply moral reasoning to their lives. Besides talking, you can also help your children understand others by asking them to empathize with them.

Empathizing doesn’t mean your children have to receive the same treatment. You can simply sit them down and tell them about what just happened and how you feel about it, and later ask them, “What would you feel if you had been in that situation?”.

You can also help your children learn about perspective-taking through storytelling. When you read the story, occasionally ask your children open-ended questions such as “What do you think this character feels?” and “Why so?”. This helps children further understand others’ perspectives and, in turn, become more prosocial.

In conclusion

Children are born with a moral sense, and your job as parents is to nurture them. But sometimes, you could feel frustrated and yell at your children to get them to behave.

But this isn’t the right solution because children understand better when you explain what went wrong instead of instilling fear through punishment or other methods. With guidance, your children can understand and develop their moral reasoning.

A few ways to do this are to create an open communication environment for you and your child, guide instead of yelling, and encourage empathy and perspective-taking in your children’s daily lives. Implementing these strategies is never too late; the key is always to be patient and consistent with your child. After all, they are learning, and the best teacher is you.

If you would like to see more resources on moral character, check out the Parenting Science Labs. The lab uses the research of the Insititute for Life Management Science to produce courses, certifications, podcasts, videos, and other tools. Visit the Parenting Science Labs today.

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Devnet Vicente