Independence is valued in modern life. When you’re self-reliant, you are seen as competent by others.
But this is not the case in a romantic relationship. With a partner, you share moments, make decisions, and take on responsibilities. You want your partner to rely on you when needed, because this makes you feel you can depend on each other.
If you choose to be too independent, it might create distance and make your partner feel unneeded. On the contrary, letting go of independence creates an uneven role and leads to codependency. So, what should you do? Is independence in relationships good or bad?
This article will help you answer that. You will explore the role of independence in relationships, the risks associated with extremes, and how couples can achieve a healthy balance. While you read, reflect on your own autonomy and how it shapes your relationship dynamics.
Independence means being free from the control or influence of others. In relationships, this translates to having your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors rather than relying on your partner for validation. According to van den Toren et al. (2020) from BMC Psychology, an independent person is self-sufficient—capable of managing daily responsibilities, caring for themselves, and sustaining the relationship without constant reassurance or assistance.
In this sense, independence represents the strength to choose your own course of action with confidence and accountability. It enables you to regulate your behavior, make informed decisions, and achieve your personal goals.
Independence also embodies individuality—the freedom to express one’s authentic self. Healthy couples nurture this by respecting each other’s uniqueness and creating space for personal growth. When this is balanced with emotional understanding, it strengthens individual autonomy in relationships and deepens the connection between partners.
However, the very qualities that make independence valuable can also become sources of conflict. For example, a partner who values independence may avoid sharing every detail of their day, seeing it as a sign of maturity. Yet their partner might perceive this as a lack of care. Over time, such mismatched expectations can turn independence into a quiet source of frustration.
To understand why independence can either benefit or harm a relationship, it’s essential to consider both its advantages and its drawbacks.
Can some amount of independence truly add something to the relationship? The literature suggests that it does indeed add something. Read below for more explanation.
When you give your partner and yourself a chance to be unique individuals, mutual respect naturally grows.
Allowing one another to be oneself means valuing opinions, celebrating accomplishments, and embracing vulnerabilities. According to Brock et al. (2023), in a study on individuality in couples, these behaviors strengthen partners’ sense of being seen and appreciated.
Beyond honoring individuality, healthy independence in relationships also means giving your partner the space they need. This space allows both of you to explore self-expansion — trying new experiences — while pursuing personal growth and improvement.
When these needs are fulfilled, you feel secure knowing your partner supports your growth rather than limits it. That kind of support fosters trust and commitment in your relationship.
When individuals strive to be both distinct and connected, the resulting quality of their relationship remains steady over time. This is because the need to grow as a person and as a couple is fulfilled, which is the essence of maintaining balance in a marriage.
When you seek to be your own self, you’ll likely spend less time with your partner and share fewer similarities. You might do things that excite you but don’t interest them as much.
For instance, imagine you love painting while your partner is passionate about running marathons. Instead of expecting each other to drop these interests, you make space—your partner encourages your quiet Sunday with brushes, while you cheer them on during training or races.
Codependency is when you become overly dependent on others, focusing so much on their emotional or physical needs that you neglect your own.
Picture a relationship where one partner feels anxious whenever the other is upset. If their partner comes home in a bad mood, they immediately blame themselves and scramble to “fix” things. Over time, they stop making decisions without checking first, and their sense of self fades as their identity becomes centered on keeping the other person happy.
In contrast, independence means being confident and capable of autonomy. You don’t depend on others’ opinions to decide your actions. You can motivate yourself, manage emotions, and maintain individuality, preventing you from losing yourself in the relationship.
Read more: Unraveling the Emotionally Entangled: The Difference Between Codependency and Attachment
Independence is an excellent foundation for your relationship. But that’s not the end of the story. Take a look at the next section to see why too much independence is not necessarily good.
Being overly reliant on yourself can create the perception that your partner is not dependable.
If you rarely ask for help, it may suggest that your partner lacks the ability to support you. Moreover, this can imply that neither of you is allowed to be vulnerable to the other. This hyper-independence in relationships can slowly erode the intimacy you both share and eventually lead to emotional distance.
Too much independence can create tension in a relationship by reducing the time and energy invested in shared experiences. When personal space and individual pursuits take priority, your partner may begin to feel that the emotional bond is weakening, disrupting the relationship balance.
Research by Monteoliva et al. (2020) on 1,500 adults supports this idea. The study found that individuals who placed a high value on independence often viewed shared time and activities as a loss of freedom. At the same time, those who appreciated togetherness reported greater relationship satisfaction.
These findings suggest that the degree of independence each partner prefers shapes whether it feels like a healthy balance or emotional distance.
Imagine a partner who spends most of their free time on work, hobbies, or solo interests. Although independence is valuable, the other partner may start to feel sidelined and question whether the relationship remains a priority. Without enough shared moments, distance can quietly grow, turning independence from a strength into a source of neglect.
Independence can turn unhealthy when it becomes a way to avoid emotional closeness.
Research shows that for individuals who prefer to rely on themselves, even low to moderate levels of partner support can trigger discomfort rather than reassurance. Instead of feeling cared for, they may experience distress, perceive their partner’s help as controlling or critical, and further distance themselves.
In such cases, independence no longer reflects self-sufficiency but emotional self-protection — creating barriers that weaken connection and trust.
Imagine someone who insists on handling every problem alone, whether it’s stress at work or personal struggles, because they don’t want to “burden” their partner. On the surface, it appears to be about strength and self-reliance, but underneath, it’s a way of avoiding the risk of vulnerability.
Over time, their partner starts to feel shut out, as if there’s a wall between them, and this distance makes it harder for closeness to grow.
You’ve seen that independence can strengthen your relationship, but being overly self-reliant may also create harm for your partner. Take a look at these tips below to achieve that balanced state of independence and dependence.
Building relationship balance is about weaving both together in a way that supports you and your partner. Try these tips as a starting point:
Having friends provides you with extra support, fresh experiences, and the freedom to enjoy aspects of yourself that may not always shine through in your relationships. You can follow these tips to balance friends and relationship healthily:
Talking openly about your need for independence can strengthen your relationship. When you’re clear about wanting both autonomy and closeness, it helps you respond with care. Here are some of the tips you can try:
Read more: How to Create Shared Experiences in Relationships
Independence in relationships can feel like walking a fine line; it can either bring you closer or quietly push you apart. As you’ve seen, healthy independence isn’t about shutting your partner out, but about creating space for trust, growth, and deeper connection.
The real strength lies in finding that balance where you can stand on your own while still leaning on each other.
Now, you can practice keeping that balance of autonomy and closeness. By being mindful of it, you can build not just a partnership, but a safe and fulfilling space where both you and your partner can thrive.
If you want to see more resources on codependency, check out the Relationship Science Labs. The lab uses the research of the Institute for Life Management Science to produce courses, certifications, podcasts, videos, and other tools. Visit the Relationship Science Labs today.
Photo by Freepik
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