How to Develop Healthy Sibling Rivalry

As a parent, you’re probably all too familiar with those moments when your kids fight over toys, compete for your attention, or try to outdo each other in video games. Rivalry between siblings is natural. The sight of a sibling getting something they want can inspire a desire in another child to achieve the same or even better.

But what happens when this rivalry starts disturbing the peace at home? As a parent, it’s your role to help turn those competitive feelings into something positive. When kids learn to channel their energy into healthy competition, they can drive each other to try harder, work through problems together, and communicate better. And the result? A stronger bond between them.

How can you make this happen? This article dives deep into healthy sibling rivalry, offering practical, science-backed strategies to transform competition into a force for good. Keep reading!

Understanding sibling rivalry

Sibling rivalry is common and can manifest in various ways, including occasional bickering, competition, and frustration. It is a normal part of how children learn to manage conflicts and develop social skills.

Knowing the triggers of rivalry can help you manage and even prevent unhealthy competition. These triggers include:

Competition for parental attention. Kids naturally seek their parents’ attention and approval. When they feel they are not getting enough, they might act out or compete with their siblings.
Jealousy. It’s common for siblings to feel jealous of each other, especially if they perceive that one sibling is getting more attention, love, or privileges.
Differing temperaments. Every child is different, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. A more outgoing child might clash with a more reserved one, leading to tension.

Almost all families experience some level of rivalry among siblings. However, the goal should be to foster healthy sibling rivalry — not eliminate rivalry altogether. There’s a difference between siblings who can compete without animosity and those who hold grudges for years, affecting their relationship even into sibling rivalry in adulthood.

Interestingly, focusing on siblings without rivalry isn’t necessarily the ideal scenario. Some level of rivalry can encourage growth, teach valuable lessons, and prepare children for the real world, where competition is inevitable.

Benefits of healthy rivalry

Is sibling rivalry a good thing? It can be. Healthy sibling rivalry is not about personal attacks but rather using their strengths to help one another succeed. They may race to finish homework or chores, yet they still cheer each other on.

By developing healthy sibling rivalry, you can teach your kids essential life skills, such as:

Enhancing social skills. Sibling rivalry encourages children to develop social skills such as communication, problem-solving, and conflict resolution. These skills are essential for navigating various social situations in life.
Increasing emotional intelligence. Children learn to regulate their emotions and understand how their actions affect others, which helps them develop emotional intelligence. This is crucial for social interactions and relationships.
Teamwork and collaboration. Shared activities and joint endeavors promote collaboration and teamwork among siblings. These experiences help children understand the importance of working together and celebrating each other’s achievements.

By encouraging healthy rivalry, you’re helping your children gain skills that will benefit them in friendships, school, and, eventually, in their adult lives.

The importance of balance

Kids argue. They fight over toys and TV shows and whose turn it is. Not all fighting is bad — it’s part of growing up.

But as a parent, knowing what’s normal and balanced rivalry can bring peace of mind. Having insight into which aspect to balance at each age can prevent problems like older sibling resentment, which can often carry into sibling rivalry in adulthood.

Here is how sibling rivalry looks at an earlier age and which aspect to balance:

Early years (under 8). Fights often pop up fast but also end quickly. At this stage, balance means teaching basic emotional regulation. Help them express themselves without melting down.
Middle childhood (around 10). As kids grow older, they start to handle conflicts on their own. Balance here involves continuing to teach them positive communication. By now, they should be learning how to resolve issues thoughtfully.
Teenage years. Hormones kick in, and so does their need for independence. At this stage, balance means helping them maintain their emotional stability while gaining their autonomy yet still being cooperative.

Applying balance to foster healthy sibling rivalry doesn’t stop the arguments but reshapes them. Over time, balance turns sibling rivalry from chaotic bickering into constructive growth.

How to encourage healthy sibling rivalry

Parenting is tough. With so much on your plate, the idea of turning that rivalry into something positive sounds great in theory but can be nightmarishly difficult in practice.

This is where you need something to apply when you’re knee-deep in laundry and hear the first signs of a brewing argument. These practices offer clear, science-backed steps that can help fix sibling rivalry into constructive learning moments.

Here are some practical steps to encourage healthy sibling rivalry:

Encourage cooperative activities

One great way to encourage healthy sibling rivalry is through cooperative activities that support teamwork. These activities show them how to trust one another and rely on strengths that only become clear when they work side by side.

How can you make this happen? These steps break it down:

Find shared interests. Find activities they both love, even if they’re years apart in age. It helps them discover things they can enjoy together.
Create family traditions. Weekly movie nights or summer trips? These aren’t just fun. They’re moments that tie everyone together with threads that last a lifetime.
Hold family meetings. Let them voice their thoughts and ideas through family meetings. Giving them space to communicate openly prevents sibling tensions before they even start.

Cooperative activities aren’t just about the task at hand. They’re a way for your kids to discover how amazing it can be to lean on each other, turning rivalry into something that strengthens them.

Set clear boundaries

Sibling fighting, especially brother rivalry, can easily spiral out of control without clear boundaries. Kids need to know where the line is between healthy sibling rivalry and crossing into hurtful behavior.

So, how do you create a space where they can compete without causing emotional damage? Here’s a quick guide:

Define the line. Let your kids know that it’s okay to argue, but it’s not okay to be mean. Physical fights, name-calling, or emotional jabs? Those are off-limits.
Teach “I” statements. Encourage them to say things like, “I feel upset when you take my toy,” rather than, “You always take my stuff!” This helps them express frustration without placing blame or escalating the situation.
Create personal space. Every child needs a sense of ownership. Help them define their own spaces — whether that’s time alone, a favorite chair, or personal items.
Model calmness. Stay cool in heated moments — your kids are watching. They’re more likely to follow your lead if you can handle conflict without yelling or frustration.
Offer breaks. Sometimes, things get too heated. Give them space to cool off. It’s okay to say, “Take five minutes and we’ll talk about this when you’re calmer.”

Setting these boundaries creates a structure where sibling rivalry turns into healthy competition. It’s about giving them the tools to fight fair, build respect, and grow closer, even through the chaos. And ultimately? It means fewer tears and more teamwork.

Celebrate individual achievements

When kids feel seen, celebrated for exactly who they are, and appreciated for their own achievements, they stop viewing each other as competition. Instead, they focus on growing into their best selves.

But how do you make that happen? Here are some tips:

Celebrate everything — big or small. Did one ace a test? Win a game? Or simply make a kind gesture? Praise them. Every achievement, whether grand or quiet, deserves recognition.
Encourage individuality. Maybe one child is a soccer star, while the other prefers painting. Celebrate both. Take time to attend the soccer game, but also make space for an art gallery visit.
Avoid comparisons. Comparisons hurt. Things like “Why aren’t you more like your brother?” will stay in your child’s mind for years. Instead, shift focus. Celebrate their unique strengths. Make them feel valued for who they are, not how they measure up.

At its core, sibling rivalry happens because of a need for love, attention, and security. When you celebrate your children as individuals, you’ll watch rivalry soften into something more meaningful: personal growth and healthy competition.

Provide equal attention

One of the biggest triggers for this rivalry is feeling overlooked. Kids need attention. They need to feel like you see them. But when they sense one sibling is getting more of your time, that’s when the tension starts.

So how can you prevent that? Give equal attention — making each child feel valued in their own unique way as below:

Spend one-on-one time. Spending even a few focused one-on-one minutes can work wonders. Ask about their day. Try, “What was the best part of your day?” or “What’s something funny that happened today?”
Show interest in their hobbies. Maybe your son loves dinosaurs, and your daughter is into building Lego bricks. Sit with them. Watch them. Ask questions. Show them you care about what they care about.
Listen — really listen. Kids know when you’re distracted. Be present. Put down your phone, make eye contact, and focus on what they’re saying.

By doing this, they start feeling secure. They stop competing for attention because they know they have it. So, how will you make each of your kids feel equally valued today?

Mediate fairly

Voices are rising in the living room between an older brother and the younger ones. The old brother is upset because his little brother took his favorite toy. Then they come to you, both demanding justice. If you always ask the older sibling to give up the toy for the younger one, this will result in the older sibling’s resentment.

So, do you give each child the same solution? No, that wouldn’t be fair.

Fair mediation doesn’t mean treating everyone the same. Fairness is about recognizing that each child is unique, with their own needs and struggles.

Here are some ways to ensure all feel fairness:

Don’t leap to conclusions. Take the time to hear each child’s perspective. When kids feel heard, it helps them let go of the tension. It also shows you’re not favoring one side over the other.
Stay calm and neutral. When you show them how to express their feelings without pointing fingers, they begin to do the same. This opens the door to compromises and peaceful resolutions.
Use tools to take turns. Utilize tools like an hourglass timer to help. Let each child share their point of view while the sand runs. By doing this, everyone gets a chance to be heard in the same amount of time.

And remember, if things escalate beyond what’s manageable, you don’t have to handle it all alone. Family therapy can be a valuable tool, offering new strategies to resolve conflicts and strengthen sibling bonds.

In conclusion

Effectively managing your kids’ emotions fosters a supportive and harmonious family environment. Healthy sibling rivalry should be the goal, as it encourages children to strengthen their relationships.

By implementing these, parents can transform sibling rivalry into a positive force that enhances their children’s development and strengthens family bonds. Remember, healthy rivalry isn’t about eliminating competition but guiding it to promote growth, empathy, and resilience.

So, take these insights and create a household where rivalry is not a source of constant conflict but a tool for learning and connection. Turn sibling rivalry into a powerful opportunity for positive development!

If you would like to see more resources on sibling relationships, check out the Family Science Labs. The lab uses the research of the Institute for Life Management Science Labs to produce courses, certifications, podcasts, videos, and other tools. Visit the Family Science Labs today.

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Nia Septiani